Jake's Dick Troubles
by MyLifeIsEdwardCullen
Summary: Leah and Jake are having sex, and Leah rips off Jake's dick by accident. Jake goes to the Cullen house to get sewed back on. See what trouble ensues...Includes a skipping and cackling Edward, a dick-loving Bella and a scarred Rosalie. VERY VERY OOC.


**(A/N) OK hey guys! This is just a one-shot to make you guys laugh! For all intents and purposes of this one-shot, Leah and Jake are dating. And also Edward and Jake are friends.**

**Jake POV**

Leah and I were in the middle of passionate sex. I was kissing her neck and pleasuring her while she was giving me a hand job. Suddenly Leah let out a loud groan of pleasure and I felt a numbing sensation in my dick.

"Oops," Leah squeaked. I looked down to see that my dick was ripped off my body and now was in her hand.

"OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

"Sorry Jake. You need to get that sorted!" Leah said and skipped off placing my dick on my bedside table.

I glanced at it. _Hmmm.I has an awesome dick! It's so big! If I was a girl I would seriously want to fuck that! No wonder Leah does!_

I gathered it up and placed it in a plastic bag. I shifted into wolf form and ran to the Cullen house to get it sewed back on.

**Edward POV**

I was looking for Bella in the house when I came across a very stumbling and confused Jacob.

"Jacob?" I asked.

He jumped a foot in the air in surprise. "AAHHH! It wasn't me!"

I gave him a questioning look.

"Oh hey, Edward!" He said once he saw me, out of the corner of my eye I saw him trying to hide something behind his back.

"Okkaaayyyy. Hey Jacob. Who are you looking for?" I saw him looking around frantically.

"Ur-um-ur-Is Carlisle here?"

"No, he's gone hunting. Why?"

"Ummm I was uurr in the need of his errr services."

"Oh I could help you, I have a medical degree."

"Ok, could you sew something back on bro?"

"Sure sure. What is it?" I looked around his body to see if a part of him was missing. I could find none. _Uh-Oh this could only mean..._

**Jake POV**

I brought out my dick in the plastic bag from behind my bag.

"AAAGHHHH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Edward jumped back in fright once he saw what was in the bag. He then groaned and stalked forward.

"Not again!" he whined. "Hand it over," he sighed.

I smiled sheepishly and handed it to him.

"EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW" he squealed like a girl and held my willy at as far as he could from him at arms distance and wrinkled his nose.

I burst out laughing at this and Edward glared at me.

"Sorry man!" I held my arms up in surrender.

I sat down on a chair while bent in between in my legs and started sewing it on, while repeated ly cussing and muttering;: "Oh ewwww", "this is so gross!", "EW EW EW EW EW!" and "This is plain wrong!"

**Rosalie POV**

I was looking for Bella so I could make plans with her to go shopping when I came to the living room and saw a sight which scarred me for life. Jacob was sitting on chair with his eyes closed and Edward was kneeling in front of him and had his head buried in between the dog's legs.

"OH EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" I yelled.

Edward looked up and said, "This is NOT what it looks like!" Referring to the fact that he was giving the dog a blowjob!

"OH EDWARD I AM SCARRED!"

"No Rose, I wasn't doing what you think-"

"EWWWW! I can never UN-see THAT!" I ran out of the house in hysterics trying to get rid of the image of Jacob and Edward which was engraved on my vampire memory.

**Jake POV**

"Well that went well.." I said nonchalantly.

"Poor Rose..." Edward muttered.

"Wait- Did she think we were..Oh GROSS!"

_EW! Like I would ever do it with a bloodsucker!_

Edward must have heard my thoughts because he said, "Be nice! If I want, I could make you unable to have sex your whole life!"

"True..."

Edward then got back to sewing it on, but this time made sure his head was far away so it didn't look like he was giving me a blowjob.

Suddenly Bella appeared at the door with an amused expression on her face. _Oh Boy...._

Edward had half-sewn my dick on when he heard Bella come in. He flipped around quickly fearing what Bella thought of this scene.

"Oooohh. Was Leah too rough again?"

"Yeah," I said sheepishly and Edward breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Hmm, you know what Jake? Your dick _is _bigger than Edward's," she rubbed her chin pondering while she walked over to us.

"WHAT?!" Edward screeched like a little girl who had just lost her puppy.

"It's true Eddiekins!" She patted Edward on the head while she sat down nearby and began to stare at my enormous member.

"I really would like that fabulous cock inside me..." Bella mumbled. This made Edward crack.

He ripped my half-sewn dick from my body laughing like a mad-man and I let out a yelp of pain.

"MWAH HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!! IMMA HIDE YOUR DICK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Edward skipped out of the room like a posh little girl cackling all way.

Five minutes later we heard Edward's voice in the distance in the forest presumably: "MWAHAHAHAAH! I HID JACOBS DICK! HAHAH! HA CAN NEVER HAVE SEX! HAHAHAHAAH! I HAVE THE BEST COCK NOW! HAHAHAH!"

Bella gave me a sympathetic look.

"You want me to help you find it?" Bella asked.

I nodded and Bella and I set out around the house. Suddenly I heard Bella yell from the living room, "FOUND IT!"

I bolted into the living room to find Bella kneeling over searching under the sofa.

"Oops," she said. "Sorry it was a cucumber!"

I sat down defeated.

"So Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Since you don't have a dick anymore, you're not a man..."

I slumped down into the chair.

"And you're not a girl either..."

I wasn't sure where this was going...

"So are you like NEUTER?!"

**(A/N)This was something me and my friend came up with when we were bored and I have to admit it was funnier back then than it is now in writing...So what do you guys think??**

**Review and make my day!**

**xx**


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